1. Ahh, another beautiful day in the egg. Keep that fire roaring.
‘Hagrid, can we have a window open? I’m boiling.’
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone
2. NO! You will not impede my toastiness, interfering voice-from-outside.
‘It must’ve cost you a fortune.’
3. Well, I happen to think I’m worth every penny.
‘I was down in the village havin’ a few drinks an’ got into a game o’ cards with a stranger. Think he was quite glad ter get rid of it, ter be honest.’
4. Glad?! Glad to be rid… how DARE he! Where is this stranger? I shall BURN him.
‘But what are you going to do with it when it’s hatched?’ said Hermione.
5. WORSHIP me! FEED me! Then worship me some more.
‘… when it hatches, feed it on a bucket o’ brandy mixed with chicken blood every half hour.’
6. Yep, I am definitely okay with this.
‘What I got there’s a Norwegian Ridgeback. They’re rare, them.’
7. ‘I’m rare, me.’ Always knew I was special, and I expect to be treated accordingly as soon as I hatch.
‘Hagrid, you live in a wooden house,’ she said.
8. A what? A house built of flammables? Ooh, this will be fun!
Hagrid greeted them looking flushed and excited.
‘It’s nearly out.’
9. Look out world — here I come!
Something was moving inside; a funny clicking noise was coming from it.
10. Little… help… please? Oh, forget it.
All at once there was a scraping noise and the egg split open. The baby dragon flopped on to the table.
11. TA-DA! Whaddya think, mostly hairless mammals?
It wasn’t exactly pretty; Harry thought it looked like a crumpled, black umbrella. Its spiny wings were huge compared to its skinny jet body and it had a long snout with wide nostrils, stubs of horns and bulging, orange eyes.
12. Aren’t I just gorgeous?
13. Yeah, I see you all looking – soak in my glory, fleshy peasants.
It sneezed. A couple of sparks flew out of its snout.
14. Pardon me, I must be allergic to something. Maybe it’s the lousy décor. Never mind, it’ll all burn soon.
‘Isn’t he beautiful?’ Hagrid murmured.
15. Yes, I must agree – wait, WHAT? ‘He?’ ‘HE?’ I’m a girl, you hairy-faced twit!
16. Do NOT touch me. I WILL bite you.
17. Darn, so close!
‘Bless him, look, he knows his mummy!’ said Hagrid.
18. Oh Mummy, what a big beard you have.
19. …I don’t think that’s my real mummy.
20. Also, I’m pretty sure I’m a girl, mate.
‘Hagrid,’ said Hermione, ‘how fast do Norwegian Ridgebacks grow, exactly?’
21. Not fast enough, eh, Brainy? I personally cannot wait to find out.
‘Someone was lookin’ through the gap in the curtains – it’s a kid – he’s runnin’ back up ter the school.’
22. Blondie – send help! Get me away from these morons and their poxy hut!
23. Seven days and Blondie still hasn’t returned. So much for service.
24. What did the meatbags call him again? ‘Draco’ was it? Good name, I like it.
25. Hope I get a name like that.
‘Just let him go,’ Harry urged. ‘Set him free.’
26. YES! And I will unleash my wrath across this land. ALL SHALL PERISH!
‘I can’t,’ said Hagrid. ‘He’s too little. He’d die.’
27. Silence! Do not underestimate me, you bearded halfwit, or you shall be the first to burn.
There were empty brandy bottles and chicken feathers all over the floor.
28. What? Don’t look at me.
‘I’ve decided to call him Norbert,’ said Hagrid, looking at the dragon with misty eyes.
30. Seriously? I’d have preferred ‘Lady Inferno: Destroyer of Worlds’, but I don’t think I’ve got much say in the matter.
31. Hang on... that’s a boy’s name. Nice one, Beardy – you’ve read an entire book on dragons and still can’t figure out I’m a girl.
‘He really knows me now, watch. Norbert! Norbert! Where’s Mummy?’
32. Wherever she is, I hope she finds me and scorches you for your insolence.
‘He’s lost his marbles,’ Ron muttered in Harry’s ear.
33. I very much doubt he had them to begin with.
‘Hagrid,’ said Harry loudly, ‘give it a fortnight and Norbert’s going to be as long as your house.’
34. Hey, I’m not complaining. Bring on the growth spurt.
‘Malfoy could go to Dumbledore at any moment.’
35. What is a ‘Dumbledore’?
‘I – I know I can’t keep him for ever, but I can’t jus’ dump him, I can’t.’
36. Is that… is that a tear, Beardy? I’d be touched if I didn’t hold your kind in such contempt.
37. The smaller fleshy-things are talking. They sound pleased. I don’t like this.
38. What’s a ‘Charlie’? What’s ‘Romania’?
39. Yum! I could get used to these dead rats. Keep ’em comin’!
40. They still don’t get it, do they? Us girls, we’re the really vicious ones. Tell you what, I’ll take a bite out of Ginger to give you a clue.
41. Ha! Now Ginger’s getting told off for frightening me! Dinner and a show… I might just stay here after all.
42. Changed my mind – Beardy’s singing a lullaby. I want out. NOW.
‘I won’t let you in,’ he puffed. ‘Norbert’s at a tricky stage – nothin’ I can’t handle.’
43. Wanna bet? I’ll bite your legs off.
‘Aargh! It’s all right, he only got my boot – jus’ playin’ – he’s only a baby, after all.’
The baby banged its tail on the wall, making the windows rattle.
44. DON’T [bang] MOCK [bang] ME [bang] BEARDY!
45. Well, this is humiliating. I appear to be stuck in a crate.
‘An’ I’ve packed his teddy bear in case he gets lonely.’
46. [Between rips] Teddy. Must. DIE!!!
‘Bye-bye, Norbert!’ Hagrid sobbed, as Harry and Hermione covered the crate with the Invisibility Cloak and stepped underneath it themselves. ‘Mummy will never forget you!’
47. Farewell so-called ‘Mummy!’ I shall return as your supreme overlord. Or ‘overlady’. Not that you’d know the difference.