101 thoughts we had while watching Goblet of Fire for the millionth time
Published on Jun 21st 2016
Dragons!Dragons! A deadly competition! Voldemort’s return to power! It’s another fun year at Hogwarts as we watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005).
The Warner Bros. logo has gone all dark and smokey. This can’t be good.
Snakes and skulls. Great. Something tells us we’re not in Privet Drive anymore.
Woah, Harry’s aged a lot since this series started. Oh no, wait, that’s Frank Bryce.
Oh god, Wormtail. Scabbers the rat really has gone up in the world.
Who’s he talking to? Maybe someone nice.
Nope, it’s Voldemort.
Hey look, it’s David Tennant! We love that guy – oh wait… David, why are you fraternising with the Dark Lord?
Ah, thank goodness it was all a dream. A really real, definitely not-a-dream dream.
Lol at Ron scared of Hermione seeing his vest.
Cedric Diggory: so cool and handsome that he can literally jump into view from thin air.
Portkey travel seems even worse than the London Underground.
Are they all off to Glastonbury? Oh no, of course, this is the Quidditch World Cup.
A MAGICALLY HUGE TENT? Can scientists get on with making one of these?
‘I love magic.’ Same, Harry.
I think we can all agree the Quidditch World Cup stadium is incredible. Or, if you’re terrified of heights, bloody awful.
‘If it rains you’ll be the first to know.’ Lucius Malfoy has arrived with his rotisserie of sick burns and beautifully-conditioned hair.
‘Don’t boast, Draco!’ That is literally the only way he knows how to communicate, Lucius.
Krum, so formidable he gets his own formidable theme song.
We love that spell that makes your voice louder. Could do with that ability down the pub on a busy Saturday night.
Ron’s deep, unparalleled love for Viktor Krum is adorable.
Let’s take a moment to examine everyone’s shaggy haircuts. This is definitely the year Harry Potter discovered indie.
Oh man, buzz-kill Death Eaters!
The skeletons of all the tents is genuinely a very eerie image. We’re a long way away from lovely three-headed dogs and making Polyjuice Potion in the girls’ bathroom.
We love the brainstorming behind Voldemort’s Dark Mark: it couldn’t just be a skull, it had to also have a snake tongue. Alright we get it, my Lord, you’re so bad.
Ah, the gentle Hogwarts trolley to take our minds off all that Death Eater terribleness.
Cho Chang alert! Welcome to Harry Potter’s teenage years.
Harry’s handwriting is so messy. Sure, he has bigger things to worry about, but doesn’t Hogwarts have an after-class calligraphy tutorial?
Durmstrang and Beauxbatons on their way to Hogwarts. Durmstrang clearly into pirates.
Seriously, Beauxbatons, nobody walks like that. It would take you ages to get anywhere.
Who hired the acrobat???
Hagrid, ever the Casanova, accidentally stabbing Professor Flitwick with a fork when he sees Madame Maxime. Now this is romance.
Neville, Harry, Ron, Fred and George ALL have the same haircut. This is embarrassing, guys.
Mad-Eye Moody, everybody! How well-cast is Brendan Gleeson here, seriously?
Oooh, the Goblet of Fire. We’d rather have a goblet of something slightly tastier.
Mad-Eye Moody isn’t one for a bit of class banter, is he?
Oh, er, teaching Unforgiveable Curses to 14-year-olds. Are you sure about this one, Mad-Eye?
Seriously, who signed off on Mad-Eye’s lesson plan?
‘What should I have her do next? Jump out the window? Drown herself?’ HOW ABOUT NONE OF THE ABOVE, ALASTOR?
Anyone for a nice, innocent Boggart? Nope? Okay, we’ll stick to death and torture, then.
This Neville and Mad-Eye scene is especially awful once we find out who Mad-Eye really is.
It’s ‘time to find out who is going to have to do all these horrible dangerous tasks in the Triwizard Tournament’ time!
Go on Krum, crack a joke.
Cedric, Fleur and Krum are the tournament champions, obviously. But the Goblet’s still deciding something.
Gutted, Harry. And you thought you were going to have a nice quiet year.
Harry Potter and the Nice, Quiet Year at Hogwarts. We’d read that book, but it absolutely doesn’t exist.
It is still shocking seeing Dumbledore shove Harry against a wall during this scene. Dumbledore doesn’t shove!
Ron just said ‘piss off’! In a 12A movie!
Uh-oh, Rita Skeeter. Strong pin curl game though.
A Quick-Quotes Quill is basically auto-correct for terrible people.
We still all tear up the second we see a long shot of Hogwarts, right?
Sirius in the fireplace – just one more reason wizards should consider Skype.
The first task is DRAGONS.
Why is Draco up a tree? Is he more effective up a tree?
While everyone else at Hogwarts explores indie haircuts this year, trust Draco to stick with his 1990s boyband curtains.
‘What are you good at, Harry?’ ‘I don’t know.’ HARRY YOU DEFEATED LORD VOLDEMORT AS A CHILD.
First task time, eep.
Wow, even the toy Hungarian Horntail is scary.
‘Your WAND, Harry!’ Proof that without Hermione, Harry would be totally dead: example number 43,244.
This dragon is causing serious damage. Hopefully Hogwarts has decent home insurance.
Would would be the excess on a tower? Sorry, distracted.
Yule Ball time. Cue incredibly awkward flirting.
‘Wannagobawithme?’ Even Casanova enunciated, Harry.
Ron could have got his dress robes from a vintage clothes market in East London.
Parvati is a total pro at this. We love Parvati.
Hermione’s pink dress of dreams.
Your cat is totally a valid date to bring to the Yule Ball, Argus.
Wizard Jarvis Cocker! The mystery of everybody’s haircuts is finally solved.
Magic Works is a really good song FYI. Look it up.
Ron colossally messing things up with Hermione, as ever. How she eventually got with him is beyond us. BEYOND us.
‘It’s not a bad place for a bath,’ says Cedric. I'm sure none of us ever took that line out of context when we first heard it.
So Harry takes a bath. With Moaning Myrtle.
Why has Harry still got his glasses on in the bath? So many questions.
Second task time. Neville’s ‘I've killed Harry Potter’ line is a classic.
Ron, Hermione, Cho and Gabrielle Delacour look so creepy – like underwater scarecrows.
Can we please take a moment to point out how forward it is that Krum has Hermione as his one ‘you'll sorely miss’? They’ve been going out for, like, a week?
You know how it’s impossible to eat a doughnut without licking your lips? Maybe that explains Barty Crouch Jr’s slightly creepy tongue thing. Just too many doughnuts.
Third task! That was pretty quick.
Everyone looks so happy, don’t they? It could never last…
‘Go into this scary maze, children!’ This was a terrible idea.
Either Krum’s been bewitched or he’s got a nasty eye infection there.
Oh damn, the Cup is a Portkey! Why are they in a graveyard?
Probably one of the most affecting scenes in both the book and movie.
Depowered Voldemort still haunts our nightmares to this day.
Oh. My. God. Ralph Fiennes is a lovely man but absolutely bone-chilling in this scene.
Oh Lucius, how far you’ve come from passive aggressive remarks.
Voldemort shows Harry that he can now touch him. I cannot stress how unsettling he is in this moment.
‘I’m going to kill you, Harry Potter.’ Yeah, Voldemort we understood that much.
THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER.
The Priori Incantatem moment made us cry in the books and then again in the film. Poor James and Lily. Poor Cedric.
The horrible moment where the jovial music stops playing and Amos realises...
These sad violins aren’t helping.
How much do you hate Barty Crouch Jr in this moment? Even lovely David Tennant’s face can't change that.
We like how when Dumbledore discovers real Mad-Eye in the trunk he’s all ‘I'll come get you in a minute!’ Oh yeah, because what’s an extra minute compared to months and months and months alone in a trunk?
Cedric’s funeral. Just so awful.
‘Soon we must all make the choice between what is right and what is easy.’ Probably one of the best-ever Dumbledore lines.
‘Everything’s going to change now, isn’t it?’ ‘Yup.’ Harry very casual about Voldemort’s return at the end.
Hermione: ‘You’ll write, won’t you?’ Ron: ‘I won’t.’ Ron, you are AWFUL with girls.
Harry won’t write either. What’s wrong with you both?
And off everyone goes and there’s that gorgeous tracking shot of Hogwarts’ landscape that make us cry every single time.
Nice one, Mike Newell. He did Four Weddings and a Funeral, you know. No wonder everyone had glorious floppy hair in this film.