It could’ve been called Harry Potter and Boy, Does He Really Seem Like He’s the Heir of Slytherin…
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  1. The clouds! The clouds are parting…!
  2. It’s the Harry Potter font, guys. Fist-bump.
  3. ‘I’ll be in my bedroom, making no noise, and pretending that I don’t exist.’ Even at this age D-Rad has such perfect, deadpan delivery.
  4. Imagine being Harry and seeing a pointy-nosed, bat-eared creature jumping on your bed screeching delightedly. If it weren’t for the whole ‘magic’ thing you would assume malnutrition made him delirious.
  5. It’s great how Dobby trying to ‘save Harry Potter’s life’ is always more like Dobby ‘trying to murder Harry Potter’. But he means well, bless him.
  6. Uncle Vernon calling Ron and Hermione Harry’s ‘freaky little friends’, which is such a rubbish burn.
  7. Fitting bars on his bedroom window is slightly more of a burn, admittedly.
  8. It’s that flying Ford Anglia! Possibly our favourite bewitched vehicle ever.
  9. The nerve of Uncle Vernon referring to Hedwig as a ‘bloody pigeon’ when Hedwig is probably more intelligent than his own son.
  10. ‘By the way, Harry – happy birthday.’ Ron remembers, because Harry’s friends are his family.
  11. The Burrow is just how we always imagined it. Dishes magically washing themselves, Molly Weasley’s knitting magically click-clacking away.
The outside of the Burrow from the Goblet of Fire
  1. The Weasley clock is always the best bit of The Burrow, though. Imagine actually owning one and stalking your room mates all the time.
  2. Oh, Ginny. Just imagine running downstairs in your fluffy dressing gown and having your ultimate crush The Boy Who Lived sitting RIGHT THERE in your kitchen.
  3. ‘Okay, Harry, all you have to do is say “Diagon Alley.”’ ‘Diagonally,’ Harry replies. Great. Well done.
  4. We’re totally digging Hermione’s ‘plait your hair whilst it’s wet’ self-crimping vibes in this movie. A lot of us have been there, Hermione.
  5. And now for the first appearance of the charming, the adventurous, the famous…
  6. And the smarmy, cowardly, and deceitful…
  7. Gilderoy Lockhart! Played by Kenneth Branagh’s lovely face.
  8. Even Hermione fancies Kenneth Branagh! Sorry, we mean Lockhart.
  9. Meanwhile, there’s Malfoy just ripping a page out of a book he didn’t buy. Anarchy in the UK.
  10. Hello, Lucius Malfoy. You may appear to be evil, but your hair game is strong.
  11. Good one, Lucius. Intimidating a bunch of 12-year-olds. That’ll get you on a Chocolate Frog Card in no time.
  12. Amazing shade-throwing battle ensues in this scene. Arthur Weasley is staring down Lucius, Lucius to Harry, Harry to Draco, Draco to Hermione. And a bit of bonus shade from Ginny at the end too. Good shade game, one and all.
  13. Also, how has nobody noticed Harry? There’s a lone child with an owl, everybody.
  14. Hey boys, you could just wait for Ron’s parents to come back rather than set off in a flying Ford Anglia and risk certain expulsion…
  15. Nope? Okay then, have fun.
  16. Hedwig’s shocked expression when the train pulls up behind the car is priceless. Oscar snub.
  17. Ron Pulls His Scared Frog-Mouth Face count: 67,543
  18. The Hogwarts theme song is playing as they soar towards the castle and we are not crying.
  19. Every time the boys’ voices crack – even when screaming in terror – we can’t help but go ‘aww’ in an embarrassing auntie sort of way.
  20. The flying Ford Anglia kicking the boys out and ejecting their luggage is the purest of sass. ‘I don’t know you.’
  21. Ladies and gentleman, Snape has entered the room.
  22. Draco’s slicked back hair is so slicked back we can’t believe there wasn’t a serious, nationwide hair gel shortage back in 2002.
  23. If we got a Howler at age 12, in front of the entire school, it would genuinely be the end of our lives.
A Howler screams at Ron over breakfast
  1. Harry and Ron’s faces when Gilderoy Lockhart introduces himself as Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher… An O for Outstanding in your acting skills, boys.
  2. Immobulus! Hermione to the rescue with a spell no one else knows, as per usual. Isn’t it a bit worrying that Hermione seems to know more than the actual teacher of this class?
  3. Lockhart, you may be beautiful, but come on now.
  4. Is it us or do the Slytherin Quidditch team’s Nimbus Two Thousand and Ones even look a bit evil? Did Lucius Malfoy get them customised to suit Draco’s terrible personality?
  5. Ron totally defending Hermione’s honour when Draco calls her a ‘mudblood’. He’s totally going to fancy her when he’s older.
  6. We really envy Rupert Grint in the slug vomiting scene, surely every child’s dream. Apparently it was chocolate-flavoured slug vomit.
  7. ‘They’ve yet to think up a spell that our Hermione can’t do.’ Hagrid, you angel.
  8. How genuinely harrowing must it be for a 12-year-old to start hearing murderous voices in the walls? Did no one ever think to offer Harry some counselling?
  9. It’s never nice to see a cat in peril, even if it is owned by Filch. Sorry for your pain, Mrs Norris.
  10. Hermione with a truth bomb: ‘No, Harry. Even in the wizarding world hearing voices isn’t a good sign.’
  11. To The Casual Observer It Would Seem Like Harry Is Definitely the Heir to Slytherin count: 1.
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  1. Professor McGonagall is teaching the class how to turn animals into water goblets, as you do. You never know when you might be surrounded by animals, without a water goblet in sight.
  2. The fact that Hermione doesn’t think Draco Malfoy is the heir of Slytherin is frankly absurd. Like, innocent until proven guilty and all that. But look at his SLICKED-BACK HAIR AND WIDOW’S PEAK.
  3. Yesssss, time for a Quidditch match, with Harry vs Draco in the role of Seeker! This, in our humble opinion, is one of the best Hogwarts matches in the movies. The enchanted Bludger going after Harry lends itself to amazing cinematography and flying choreography.
  4. ‘All right there, Scarhead?’ C’mon, Draco, that’s poor even for your standards.
  5. Harry’s got the Snitch! Butterbeers all round! Oh hang on a minute, Lockhart’s managed to remove all the bones from Harry’s arm instead.
  6. Harry’s boneless rubber arm is really, truly disgusting.
  7. Poor, petrified Colin Creevey still holding his camera must be a terrifying image for all Instagram users everywhere.
  8. Moaning Myrtle alert! So amazing that Shirley Henderson was 37 when she played the Hogwarts student.
  9. Harry vs. Draco duelling match, yes please.
  10. ‘Scared, Potter?’ ‘You wish.’ You guys really need to get better burns.
  11. Daniel Radcliffe really does have a snake-like, Dark wizard expression on his face as he talks to the snake. Which means…
Lochart attempts to curse the snake that Snape has conjured.
  1. To The Casual Observer It Would Seem Like Harry Is Definitely the Heir to Slytherin count: 2.
  2. Oh, wait, Petrified student alert.
  3. To The Casual Observer It Would Seem Like Harry Is Definitely the Heir to Slytherin count: 3.
  4. Don’t worry Harry, we’re sure it’s just harmless school rumours banter.
  5. The seriousness with which Professor McGonagall says ‘sherbet lemon’ and sends Harry to see Professor Dumbledore is a little bit funny.
  6. Harry’s face as Fawkes bursts into flames and shrivels into nothing in front of his eyes is priceless. It’s been such a bad day that now random objects are just bursting into flame.
  8. Hermione, drugging students is usually frowned upon.
  9. ‘Essence of Crabbe’: available at all good perfume retail stores this summer.
  10. The Polyjuice transformation scene is one of the most fun things to watch in this movie. Although Harry’s bubbling face is the screensaver of our nightmares.
Polyjuice Potion
  1. Harry and Ron are terrible as Crabbe and Goyle – randomly defending Dumbledore, etc. You guys had one job.
  2. Malfoy casually stealing someone else’s gift in the common room there. How does he even have friends?
  3. CAT HERMIONE. Catermione! Ah, the ol’ cat hair in the Polyjuice Potion. We’ve all been there.
  4. Actually, no we’ve not.
  5. Harry stumbles across a mysterious, blank notebook that ends up having instant messenger abilities but only specifically with some guy called Tom Riddle.
  6. Even though we already know Tom Riddle is evil, we can’t help but find him a little bit charming in these flashbacks. That chiselled jawline, anyone?
  7. ‘Hey Harry, Quidditch is cancelled. Also your best friend Hermione Granger has been Petrified.’ – A day in the life of Harry Potter.
  8. Just in case you missed it: shot in the Gryffindor common room of Ginny looking a bit shifty which may become important later.
  9. Yeah, remove Dumbledore from Hogwarts. That’ll make this situation better…
  10. ‘Follow the spiders?’ Hagrid, now is not the time to be cryptic.
  11. Just a simple ‘Yer a wizard, ’Arry’-style response is all we’re asking for here.
  12. ‘Of course I’ll enter a narrow tunnel crawling with millions of tiny baby spiders crawling over me!’ – Said no one ever.
  13. Enter Aragog. Exeunt Ron.
Aragog emerging from his nest
  1. Credit to the special effects team here. This was made in the early noughties and Aragog still looks like he’s going to crawl out of the screen.
  2. The flying Ford Anglia to the rescue!
  3. Ron could do with a bit of counselling too, actually.
  4. Harry and Ron realise that Hermione is miles ahead of everyone else, as per usual.
  5. This is the best bit! The bit where all the clues come together and we go ‘Ohhh’ in a stupid voice.
  6. Harry can hear voices in the walls because he’s a Parselmouth and it’s a Basilisk in the walls! Not because he’s traumatised! That’s a minor win, right?
  7. When McGonagall and Snape team up to sarcastically insult Lockhart, it really shows what can be accomplished when Gryffindors and Slytherins work together.
  8. Ginny’s first year at Hogwarts, and of course she is possessed by a Dark wizard and kidnapped by a giant snake. AND your main crush is the one who saves her. Every 11-year-old girl’s dream.
  9. Oh, what, Gilderoy is a terrible fraud? What a surprise.
  10. How come when we do OUR creepy snake voices it never opens anything?
  11. Harry is so polite throughout all of Myrtle’s come-ons. Bless his cotton socks.
  12. ‘This is an odd sort of place isn’t it. Do you live here?’ We love memory-loss Lockhart so much more than actual Lockhart.
  13. Why did Salazar Slytherin go to all this trouble to build an ornately-decorated, Art Deco-inspired chamber just for a snake? Bit weird.
  14. Tom Riddle doing that classic movie villain shtick of listing out all of his clever plans instead of actually killing the person he’s captured.
  15. Oooh, love a good anagram. We’re really scared. Actually, fair play.
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  1. If we were Harry, I would be a little bit annoyed that all the help Dumbledore sent me was a bird and an old hat.
  2. Let’s take a moment to appreciate one of the best scenes in the movie: the diary bleeding out ink, and Tom Riddle’s face dissolving into fissures of volcanic light. Classic cinema.
  3. Dumbledore says he could expel Ron and Harry, instead gives them ‘Special Awards for Services to the School’. Only at Hogwarts.
  4. Dobby being set free is an emotional milestone of a moment. Crying, us? We’ve been crying since the opening credits.
  5. Then Hermione returns to the Great Hall and runs to Ron and Harry with the biggest smile. Still crying.
  6. Dumbledore announces that the ferocious beast terrorising the school has been caught. Polite clapping. Dumbledore announces that all exams have been cancelled. Everyone bursts into rapturous applause.
  7. Aaaaand pan out on that beautiful castle. Aaaand we’re crying again. Seriously, what’s wrong with us?

You can watch Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, and all of the eight Harry Potter movies, currently on demand on Sky Movies.

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