When she waited nearly seven years to unleash the perfect comeback

They say revenge is a dish best served cold – and we reckon that applies to sassy comebacks too. It certainly did in this case. When Harry, Ron and Hermione went through the trapdoor in Philosopher’s Stone, they quickly found themselves having to deal with the deadly Devil’s Snare, which led to this classic Ron remark.

‘Devil’s Snare, Devil’s Snare ... What did Professor Sprout say? It likes the dark and the damp –’

‘So light a fire!’ Harry choked.

‘Yes – of course – but there’s no wood!’ Hermione cried, wringing her hands.

‘HAVE YOU GONE MAD?’ Ron bellowed. ‘ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT?’
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

We reckon that comment stayed with Hermione. However, after biding her time for nearly seven years, it was her turn to unleash the perfect comeback – mirroring Ron’s jibe beautifully. How’s that for comic timing?

‘How – how’re we going to get in?’ panted Ron. ‘I can – see the place – if we just had – Crookshanks again –’

‘Crookshanks?’ wheezed Hermione, bent double, clutching her chest. ‘Are you a wizard, or what?’

‘Oh – right – yeah –’
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

The infamous teaspoon comment

Hermione and Ron spent quite a lot of their time bickering. While Ron often seemed to have the upper hand when it came to snarky and amusing comments, this is one moment in which Hermione was truly victorious. Comparing Ron’s emotional intelligence to that of a teaspoon was not only inspired but hilarious.

A slightly stunned silence greeted the end of this speech, then Ron said, ‘One person can’t feel all that at once, they’d explode.’

‘Just because you’ve got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn’t mean we all have,’ said Hermione nastily, picking up her quill again.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

When she told Scrimgeour what she didn’t plan to do when she left school

While we all know that Hermione was the cleverest witch of her age, we still can’t help but marvel at how quickly she could come up with a witty retort. Especially when that cheeky comment was made to the Minister for Magic himself. When Rufus Scrimgeour came to talk to the trio about the will of Albus Dumbledore, he probably didn’t expect that three teenagers would dare to be quite so cheeky. But he was wrong – and came across Hermione at her sassy best.

‘Are you planning to follow a career in Magical Law, Miss Granger?’ asked Scrimgeour.

‘No I’m not,’ retorted Hermione. ‘I’m hoping to do some good in the world!’
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

When she gave Crabbe and Goyle a pair of special chocolate cakes

Hermione may not have been trying to be funny here, but it still made us cackle. The matter-of-fact way in which she discussed slipping Crabbe and Goyle a Sleeping Draught, coupled with Harry and Ron’s reaction, made this moment unexpectedly comical. We love when Hermione’s determination bordered on terrifying – and this was no exception.

‘I’ve got it all worked out,’ she went on smoothly, ignoring Harry and Ron’s stupefied faces. She held up two plump chocolate cakes. ‘I’ve filled these with a simple Sleeping Draught. All you have to do is make sure Crabbe and Goyle find them. You know how greedy they are, they’re bound to eat them. Once they’re asleep, pull out a few of their hairs and hide them in a broom cupboard.’

Harry and Ron looked incredulously at each other.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

When Hermione Confunded McLaggen

This is another excellent example of Hermione’s rule breaking turning into something comical. We know she shouldn’t have Confunded Cormac McLaggen – but her reaction was everything. Her defensiveness, along with her annoyance at Harry’s amusement, made this one of our favourite funny Hermione moments.

‘What?’ said Hermione defensively.

‘If you ask me,’ said Harry quietly, ‘McLaggen looks like he was Confunded. And he was standing right in front of where you were sitting.’

Hermione blushed.

‘Oh, all right then, I did it,’ she whispered. ‘But you should have heard the way he was talking about Ron and Ginny! Anyway, he’s got a nasty temper, you saw how he reacted when he didn’t get in – you wouldn’t have wanted someone like that on the team.’

‘No,’ said Harry. ‘No, I suppose that’s true. But wasn’t that dishonest, Hermione? I mean, you’re a prefect, aren’t you?’

‘Oh, be quiet,’ she snapped, as he smirked.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

When she had no time for Divination

Hermione and Divination were never going to be a match made in heaven. But her relationship with this subject was really quite amusing – especially her constant exasperation with Professor Trelawney. However, when Trelawney dared to call Hermione’s mind ‘hopelessly Mundane’, we knew it wouldn’t end well. But we didn’t expect that comment to lead to one of Hermione’s coolest and funniest moments.

‘Fine!’ said Hermione suddenly, getting up and cramming Unfogging the Future back into her bag. ‘Fine!’ she repeated, swinging the bag over her shoulder and almost knocking Ron off his chair. ‘I give up! I’m leaving!’

And to the whole class’s amazement, Hermione strode over to the trapdoor, kicked it open, and climbed down the ladder out of sight.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

When Fleur got on her nerves

Don’t get us wrong, Fleur is brilliant – but sometimes she could work on her tact. This would probably have been a good opportunity for her to do that. When Hermione was faced with a blackeye that wouldn’t budge, on the morning she was about to receive her O.W.L. results, the last thing she needed was Fleur’s input. However, it did give us another excellent Hermione retort.

‘But it’s got to come off!’ squeaked Hermione. ‘I can’t go around looking like this for ever!’

‘You won’t, dear, we’ll find an antidote, don’t worry,’ said Mrs Weasley soothingly.

‘Bill told me ’ow Fred and George are very amusing!’ said Fleur, smiling serenely.

‘Yes, I can hardly breathe for laughing,’ snapped Hermione.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

When she reminded Malfoy of the ferret incident

We always enjoy when Malfoy gets taken down a peg or two and Hermione certainly did that here. We can imagine it was very humiliating for Malfoy to have been turned into a ferret by the fake Mad-Eye Moody – and it would have put him on edge. Hermione clearly recognised this and used that incident as the perfect comeback to Malfoy calling her a Mudblood (again). We love that she used humour to take the power away from Malfoy… and all it took was a carefully placed wave and a pointed dig about ferrets.

Harry and Ron both whipped around, but Hermione said loudly, waving to somebody over Malfoy’s shoulder, ‘Hello, Professor Moody!’

Malfoy went pale and jumped backwards, looking wildly around for Moody, but he was still up at the staff table, finishing his stew.

‘Twitchy little ferret, aren’t you, Malfoy?’ said Hermione scathingly, and she, Harry and Ron went up the marble staircase laughing heartily.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

When she didn’t have time for Harry feeling sorry for himself

Hermione has a reputation for being a bit uptight. But as this moment goes to show that reputation is somewhat unfair. Not only does Hermione try to lighten the mood here but does so by making a joke. We also adore the fact that she has no time for Harry feeling sorry for himself. When he responds with sarcasm to her attempt at humour, she manages to get the upper hand, putting Harry in his place and being unexpectedly funny in the process.

‘How’re you feeling?’ asked Hermione.

‘Fine,’ said Harry stiffly.

‘Oh, don’t lie, Harry,’ she said impatiently. ‘Ron and Ginny say you’ve been hiding from everyone since you got back from St Mungo’s.’

‘They do, do they?’ said Harry, glaring at Ron and Ginny. Ron looked down at his feet but Ginny seemed quite unabashed.

‘Well, you have!’ she said. ‘And you won’t look at any of us!’

‘It’s you lot who won’t look at me!’ said Harry angrily.

‘Maybe you’re taking it in turns to look, and keep missing each other,’ suggested Hermione, the corners of her mouth twitching.

‘Very funny,’ snapped Harry, turning away.

‘Oh, stop feeling all misunderstood,’ said Hermione sharply.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

When even the Minister for Magic is scared of her old Head of House

Hermione may have grown up to become Minister for Magic (and therefore one of the most powerful witches in Britain), but we love that she reverts right back to being a schoolkid in front of Professor McGonagall. The way in which she goes from confidently striding into McGonagall’s office to being threatened with detention is brilliant – and gave us a right old laugh.

Hermione What did I miss?

Professor McGonagall (fierce) It is considered polite to knock when entering a room, Hermione Granger, maybe you missed that.

Hermione (realises she’s over-stepped) Ah.

Professor McGonagall If I could also give a detention to you, Minister, I would. Keeping hold of a Time-Turner, of all the stupid things!
Harry Potter and the Cursed Child